Utrip - Nikoli nisi sam

Pulse - You are never alone

In recent days I have been reading with interest about fermentation and how it represents the true beginning of the society and culture that binds this society together. In fact, fermentation has been on my mind for a very long time and I'm only slowly building up the courage to discover it bit by bit. Being a perfectionist at heart (more on that later), I find that I always approach new steps and stories thoughtfully. I don't allow myself to do anything in a rush. My excuse - that's just how I was made. The interesting thing about this is that, as a result, I attract people who prefer to act without too much thought. And these people represent my opposite pole. My counterweight. My twin soul in a binary star system.

We must realize that we never walk the world alone. As such, our energy is not defined by only one - the energy of our soul, our being, but is a conglomerate of billions and billions of living beings that are part of us. I'm not talking about the metaphysical, but about the extremely tangible - about bacteria and yeast. Their functioning, their energy and health not only defines our health but literally IS our health. It affects all the physiology of the body that we can imagine and if I emphasize with one more thought - they directly affect our mental health. It's no surprise then that with the rise of industrial world, processed food, the reduced nutritional value of everything we ingest AND the obsession with killing all microorganisms through the excessive use of antimicrobials, has led "developed" society to impoverishment of our microbiota and thus our health, thoughts, energy and commitment to the society that we are building through our shared culture.

Whether this is a cause or a consequence of individualism - the great impoverishment of air, soil, water and biosphere, I do not know. But they seem to feed off each other indefinitely, and it's slowly becoming clear that we won't be waking up from our restless afternoon nap tomorrow. The world is becoming sad, and everything is contributing to this great collective sadness because, after all, everything is interconnected. The culture of thousands of years is being erased under the pretext of the evolution of a modern man, and with it all the stories, discovered and undiscovered.

 

I was recently placed in front of the mirror. One of the few victories I attributed to myself quite a few years ago, I discovered as one of the biggest delusions that I managed to repackage and sell back to myself as a lie. Ever since I can remember, we are talking about elementary school, I have lived as a perfectionist. In light of a recent discovery, I will define this perfectionist as a perfectionist in actions. Everything I did had to be of the highest standards, otherwise it was not worth mentioning, attention. Many times it did not even receive a conclusion, because I preferred to start from the beginning if I realized that it was not going along the right curve that leads to perfection. But if you have the time, you can of course practice this behaviour. The problem arises later, when you don't have this time available, or your brain capacity is filled with other things. Let's just say that somehow it forced me to stop being a perfectionist in my actions, because otherwise it would mean that I would have to actively give up on the ultimate goal and a strong value that I cherish - education. I lived on the wings of the awareness that I had succeeded in one positive shift in my life, that I could act without perfectionism, for quite some time. And it was easier because you spend 4x the time to get it perfect, and if you get it perfect, it's probably only a 1/4 improvement of the product than otherwise.

..forward 5 years later and after a conversation I realize that maybe I am not a perfectionist in actions, but that my identity has somehow remained that of a perfectionist. How many times do I praise myself? Am I proud of something I have done, achieved? My answer is rarely, because it's also rare that something really crazy good, special happens. When you're laughing like crazy and are incredibly proud under the influence of hormones. The rest of the time - good attempts. So I still expect the best from myself and value things/events/milestones in my life according to this impossible valuation system. This leads to a lack of self-confidence, a diminished appreciation of one's abilities, and a feeling of being lost in life because everything you do and think just seems.. meh. A bit boring. And even more - because at the same time you don't know how to do nothing or really rest, this leads to absolute excessive activation of the system and exhaustion. As a person you are lost, you feel alone and you also propagate it.

 

But I would still like to end the way I started. We are never alone - we are accompanied by bacteria, yeasts and the rest of the world's biosphere. We are here to learn and to listen. And to hear it! It's ok to be sure you're right, but it's also ok to let someone crash our system every now and then so that it rebots and runs more efficiently. The art of it all is in the balance and the wisdom is in the collective balance - in that veil between extremes that accompanies us everywhere in life. And if you only remember one thing from this text it's this - never stop looking for the veil of balance. Food, relationships, pleasures, actions, feelings and emotions - look for extremes and look for balance. Look for yourself and look for your people.

This last realization threw me out of my comfort zone, but I am grateful for it, because it gives me hope for a better tomorrow, when I will be proud of myself and will let myself appreciate myself.

 

Davor

Photo: Unsplash

An image of late evening landscape as seen from a moving train.

 

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